Consider this day 3-The Self Loathing

It started as a grass roots message expressed through t-shirts, so how did I get so far removed from those roots? Why did Microsoft Word, a recent episode of Rock of Love Charm School and this recent email from my SCORE counselor bring me to a breaking point full of self loathing. (see below)

January 4, 2009 Email reads:
"Please define your desired customer base high end and specialty retailers. High end boutiques are a no no - poor capitalization. Then how will you reach them? Trade shows, sales reps, direct sales effort? This is critical! You must be prepared make a passionate personal sales presentation to the decision makers - put together your designs, samples, portfolio and practice.

I believe Internet Sales for a small time operator like you is a waste of time and effort. You will require a fantastic Web Site and more important your Web Site must be positioned in the first few pages of the Search Engine. See attached. Do not bank on Internet Sales as a money maker.

My last comment for today and read slowly. Your CORPORATE OBJECTIVES must be profit oriented. You have a tremendous up hill battle to make a go your business, especially in today's turbulent times. As a counselor I do want to hear about Interactive Community and Service unless you can clearly demonstrate that these initiatives do not interfere with but rather enhance your corporate profitability projections. Focus your energies on building your brand image and developing your corporate customer relationships.
Regards."

It took me about a week to shake this one off and pull head out of my ass. My SCORE counselor, who later sent an encouraging follow up, was totally accurate in his assessment and I needed to get a dose of tough love. I mention Microsoft Word because I despise forced margins, Times New Roman and sterile white space. It makes me feel like an adult. I mention VH1's Rock of Love Charm School because an episodes focused on a competition where the girls created graphic tees. The contestant, "Destiny" worked side by side with a graphic designer who pulled clipart together. They presented the tee, she won the competition and impressed the judges (one of which was Christian Audigier) so much that she "created" her own spin off line. Why this makes me mad-- Anyone and everyone is starting an apparel line. And though I think there's space for all of us, I feel a little defeated when I see how easy and how little others do to just kind of slip into the apparel industry, especially reality show contestants and actors.

So I was really angry at first but anger turned into perspective. I have a long way to go. I realized that I can have all of the good intentions in the world, but if I don't have a financial plan, then I'm going in unprepared and vulnerable. Though it's hard to hear the truth, I am grateful for it because every experience offers an opportunity for growth.

Here is what I learned...
I was totally unprepared to go into this next phase of my company..the phase where the business plan is presented, investors are lined up and contracts are signed...I think ambition blinded me and comparison cut me down. It comes with quite a bit of self defeat, not towards the company but mostly in the time I wasted spinning my wheels. Working while I should have been out living. Being passive towards my husband instead of growing closer to him. Breaking plans with friends and family. I became a workaholic. 9-5 was spent at Atrium. Home by 6. Eat. Work on Delicious Tees while food digests. Go for a run/swim. Resume work. Go to bed when my eyes can't stay open anymore.

Hindsight allows me to see that a breaking point was bound to happen given my naive interpretation of the "big picture." You see, my 9-5 job at Atrium allows me to work with companies like Victoria's Secret, Target, Lane Bryant and Express. I have spent 3 years learning how overseas and domestic production works and familiarizing myself with garment, print and embellishment costs. I have seen projects through from conception to production. I have gained exposure with general numbers and business models and it seemed clear that I could apply a similar model to my company. I felt confident to push Delicious Tees to the next level. I started comparing Delicious Tees to multimillion dollar clothing businesses...Johnny Cupcakes, Element Eden, Ed Hardy, etc...I thought, surely I could have what they have, but do so while expressing a message of love. And wow, wouldn't that be something! A market saturated with crap and here is Delicious Tees, a thought evoking company with cool graphics and a positive social component. I knew I wasn't reinventing the wheel but knew I was onto something good. I daydreamed about it constantly. I almost felt immune to other business responsibilities because I was so convinced the love and good energy would guide me. And it did but I forgot to bring my brain along too.

I mentally jumped in head first and made a physical list of dates and goals. I would quit my job and dedicate all my time to my company. I would reinterpret the art and launch the line at trade shows. Delicious Apparel would be warmly received, become a familiar brand and everything else would fall into place. We would go from a t-shirt company to a full Apparel Brand. But wait, we would also have a niche and that niche would catapult us into a FULL LIFESTYLE BRAND. (insert gleaming rainbow effect).

But hmmm, those words sounded way to genius to be my own and I soon realized where I had heard them. Oh, that's right! Every newly launched apparel company uses the phrase "LIFESTYLE BRAND" in their mission statement. I did some research. It's plain as day. Many times, it's in the first sentence of their "About us" page, sometimes even on their homepage. I started to think, "Well, I'm unique but am I really unique?" This was the first sign that something was wrong. And no, the absence of a business plan, from day one, was unfortunately not the first red flag...

And so, began my demise into the abyss of self loathing and second guessing. But up until the email, episode and word doc., I stayed fairly positive and focused. I persevered with what I loved the most about Delicious Tees, the art.

I spent September and October redesigning and perfecting my designs. I focused on nothing else. The result is an impeccable apparel collection, one I am very proud of. The bold use of colors, the richness of techniques...all so worth seeing fully produced into actual garments. But for now, it lay safely tucked away in a portfolio case. Why? because that's all I got. I have to play catch up with the other aspects of my business. I learned really fast that the next tier of people I will be associating with (investors, banks, partners, lawyers, accountants) care very little for the art. They want to see a solid business plans and profit potential. And oh gosh, those darn CORPORATE OBJECTIVES. How could I forget?

To be continued, go to DAY 4...

By the way, I don't watch VH1's Rock of Love Charm School or any other trashy show, it was just on in the background.
http://www.bittenandbound.com/2009/01/04/divination-clothing-by-rock-of-love-charm-shools-destiney-moore/